The Families We're Born Into & the Families We Create

In honor of LGTBQIA+ Pride and considering that Father’s Day also happens to be in the same month, here are some suggested readings that discuss families we are born into and families we create. These books expand an understanding of queer and trans life, which may to some seem lonely, isolated or disconnected from the concept of a family, and for those of us continuing to work through relationships with the families we are born into these books could provide insight into similar experiences or new ideas.  

In Our Work is Everywhere: An Illustrated Oral History of Queer and Trans Resistance by Syan Rose, writers and thinkers explore the multiplicity of the ways that queer, trans and gender expansive organizers have uplifted each other and the communities they fight for.  

These connections exemplify that folk in the LGTBQIA+ community forge relationships with each other and that these networks of care, support, and mutual aid are just as strong and important as the families we are born into. In one of the discussions documented in this anthology, “The National Come Home,”  Ceyenne Doroshow and Cyd Nova talk about Doroshow’s work as the founder and directors of Gays and Lesbians Living in a Transgender Society or G.L.I.T.S., a housing rights organization led by and for trans people based in New York City. Doroshow’s work involves her taking on the role of a mother for her clients and she talks about making home cooked meals an act she describes as “one of the most amazing things you can do, giving someone a sense of family.” (Rose 36)  

In At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces by Donald and Mary Collins, is a jointly written account of the transition and relationship between a transgender man and his mother. They take turns writing each essay in the book, creating a dialogue about Donald’s transition which began when he was a teenager and dealing with the changes, emotions and growth that come with supporting a transgender child.  Basic vocabulary explaining concepts like “gender dysphoria” appear before the essays, coupled with Mary’s honesty about how Donald’s transition exposed her own ignorance and prejudice, make this book ideal for parents of newly out children.  

While I bristled against some of Mary’s thoughts, I appreciate her sharing about the grief she felt over having lost the child she refers to as “J” and that Donald’s account of his transition is prioritized in this book. When Mary writes, “We loved each other but needed a translator to help us, and that translator never arrived”, it sets the tone for the rest of the book. The challenge of understanding each other is one that the parent in this book describes with candor, and while that can be scary, it is something many parents could be inspired to do.  

In Choosing family: A Memoir of Queer Motherhood and Black Resistance (recommended by Djaz Zulida), Francesca T. Royster chronicles how she created her family and the foundation for this queer family laid down by her ancestors and the previous generations of women in her life. Royster recounts meeting her wife, Annie, and the adoption processes they had to go through to have their child who they name Cecelia Angella, honoring both Royster’s grandmother but also Cece’s birth mother.  

When contemplating committing to Annie, Royster reflects on the concept of marriage and family, a concept she had once ruled out as a possible future for herself. She writes, “What did I want to keep, what do I want to give up as lost, and what did we need to reinvent?” These questions are relevant to the process of family making and Royster’s later adoption of more people into this family she creates with her wife sheds a spotlight on how parallel these experiences are to those outside the LGTBQ+ community.